Rant (Not Very Effective...)

I promised on Twitter to rant about Pokemon, and so I shall.

My relationship with Pokemon has, admittedly, been on the rocks. I think I last played Pokemon in about fourth grade. I played Yellow and Silver, although at this point I don't remember many Pokemon beyond the first-generation group. In the past few years, however, there's been a revival of sorts of Pokemon among my peers, and coming to college means I'm surrounded by Pokemon yet again. If I had a DS, I'd probably join them.

Of course, they'd likely destroy me. I'm rapidly realizing that I wasn't playing Pokemon the way Pokemon is played by people who know their stuff. For example, it was only recently that I realized that, say, a Rock-type move is Rock-type no matter what Pokemon uses it. Somehow, I had always assumed that Pokemon attacking had some role in the elemental rock-paper-scissors of its attacks. This is untrue, and I am stupid. But I'm also rapidly relearning things and realizing how many things I ought to have complained about back then.

I mean, look at this, I'm playing Super Smash Bros. as Kirby. I b-down onto Pikachu, and crush him like the rock I am. He tries to thunder, of course, but as I proclaim "Yeah, electric on rock? Not going to work." Someone tells me, "Oh, no, Zach. Only ground is immune to electric."

Ok. First of all, I forgot that ground and rock were even different types. That bothers me, for a reason I can't really define. I wish I could articulate why I feel like "earth" ought to be a single type. I'll just cite Eternal Sunshine of Spotless Mind: "Sand is overrated. It's just tiny rocks." But let's ignore that. Instead, let me point out that if how affected a type is by electric is somehow proportional to conductivity (hey, water) then rock and ground are equally bad at conducting electricity. Or do the Pokemon creators think that "ground" as in "grounded" somehow protects you from electrical shock? Because that's, uh, not really how it works. And why exactly does electricity effect flying so well? Do pigeons in Japan not sit on power lines?

The longer I spend looking at this type chart I looked up to ensure I wasn't saying wrong things, the angrier I become. Fighting is super effective against steel, but not very effective against bug? Let's play a game. Get a caterpillar. Get a steel...block...or whatever. Try to punch both of them. Now do you see what's wrong with this?

The absurdities go on and on. Ghost is super-effective against itself. I'm really not sure what water does to a rock, exactly, unless Pokemon use some sort of super erosion? "Blastoise used Hydro Pump! It will be super effective if maintained for a thousand years!"Nor am I an in any way sure why psychic is so effective against poison, considering that poison really doesn't seem like something that would be easily neutralized by telekinesis. My current leading theory is that the Bene Gesserit eventually used their breeding program to produce the Kwisatz Haderach, and he was an Alakazam.

Which brings me to the bottom of the type chart, and my personal least favorite type: dragon. Dragons are different in Japan, I understand, but this is a type that's barely there. All we had was the Dragonite/Dratini/Dragon lines in first generation. Even since then, it's down there with ghost as being ridiculously uncommon, yet far less distinctive. There's like fifteen or so dragon type moves, and half of them are named "Dragon _____" because nobody knows what a dragon type move would look like, so you have to tell them.

In conclusion, I have written about an incredibly important issue today, and Charizard's relationship with the Dragon type bothers me most of all.